5 Reasons for Spiritual Apathy in Teens: What Parents Can Do to Help
Whatever!
What if this common teenage word also represents their attitude towards Christ and his church? What if your teenager displays apathy towards spiritual things?
“Apathy. This word literally means ‘without feeling’ or ‘without passion.’ When teens are apathetic, they simply go through the motions of life…disconnected, flat, appearing not to care. Whatever!” (p. 1)
Rob and Amy Rienow cite a 2013 Barna study that indicates that “59% of twenty-somethings have stopped attending Christian churches, even though they were active at church during their teen years”. In addition, according to the Nehemiah Institute, “from 1988 through 2012, high school students’ understanding of Christianity and the teaching of the Bible has declined 50%. It is important to note that this was a study of students attending Christian high schools!” (p. 2-3)
What do parents do with these statistics? Some parents simply shrug their shoulders. Other parents dismiss spiritual apathy as “what teenagers are like these days”. Many parents simply freeze, become immobile, and plead the 5th (“I don’t know what to do!). Sadly, becoming immobile is often the same as doing nothing.
The Rienows write: “Many parents passively accept the seasons of struggle and apathy in their kids without ramping up their parenting involvement and attention. ‘He is just 14. He’ll grow out of it.’ ‘She is just doing what her friends are doing. She’ll be fine.’ Just because teenage apathy is common doesn’t mean it isn’t serious.” (p. 5-6)
“Think of a plane that has lost power and is headed for a crash. It is coming down fast and hard. These are the critical moments. Will the pilots and crew do what is necessary to restore power and pull the plane out of its nosedive? Desperate times call for desperate measures. If we have an apathetic child, it is desperate times. It is a dangerous time, where the threat of a massive crash is very real.” (p. 6)
This small book identifies 5 common factors that cause teenagers to develop an apathetic attitude towards God.
The authors identify that the first common cause of spiritual apathy among teenagers is that the parent’s heart is not turned toward the teenager (p. 9). Although this reason, at first, seems harsh, many parents begin “checking out” of parenting duties during the pre-teen and teenage years, thinking that the “hard part” of parenting is behind them (infant years, changing diapers, etc.) instead of ahead of them.
The authors write: “We live in a world of delegation parenting. Do you want your children to learn to play the piano? Sign them up for piano lessons. Do you want them to learn basketball? Find a coach…Do you want them to learn about Jesus? Take them to a great youth group. Your job is to simply drive the mini-van and drop your children off with the various experts who will teach and train them for success.” (p. 9)
Yet, as any youth pastor will tell you today, many parents are refusing even to drive their teens (or encourage their teens to go) to youth group. But that’s not even the heart of the matter. Addressing parents of teenagers directly, the authors write: “When it comes to their spiritual training and nurturing of their faith, no Christian program can ever replace you! It is so easy for us to slip into the mindset that a youth group or a Christian school is all our kids need to grow in the faith and love for God…Youth groups and Christian education can provide a ‘spiritual vitamin’ boost for our kids, but they were never designed to be a ‘spiritual meal’”. (p. 10)
What happens when a parent’s heart is not turned “towards” their teenager? “If an adolescent has a disconnected parent, it is like the head coach of their team sitting on the bench not offering any direction….Just as a team becomes lifeless and rudderless when their coach stops coaching, a teen can become indifferent when parents are not engaged in providing spiritual leadership” (p. 16).
A second common cause of spiritual apathy is when the teenager has turned his or her heart away from the parent. Yet, positively, what does it mean for teenagers to metaphorically “give their hearts” to their parents? “First, it means the child is open-hearted. He shares his thoughts, feelings, fears, highs, and lows. Second, it means the child has a sense of trust in her parents. As her parents seek to lead her, she knows that they have her best interests at heart, and while she struggles with honor and obedience as every child does, she genuinely wants to be responsive to the discipleship of her parents” (p. 20).
In their ministry to families, the Rienows have heard frequent stories from parents of prodigal children who started “pulling away” from their parents: “The parent of the prodigal shared with us about a time they first sensed their son or daughter 'taking their heart away’ from them. They started telling lies. They started doing more and more in secret. They increasingly gave one-word answers, especially if the questions had anything to do with God. Personal conversations were off limits” (p. 21).
The authors give parents this advice: “If you sense your child’s heart becoming cold toward you, don’t ignore it! Don’t chalk it up to teen hormones. The longer you allow their heart to drift, the longer the journey to retrieve it” (p. 23).
Why is spiritual apathy so intimately connected to the parental relationship? The Rienows make the case as follows:
When the hearts of fathers (and mothers) are fully engaged with their children, and the hearts of children are turned to their parents, everyone’s heart is prepared to receive the love of Father God expressed through His Son Jesus” (p. 14).
While I won’t delve into reason #3 (The presence of secret sin) and reason #5 (A spirit of rebellion) for spiritual apathy among teenagers, I believe the authors correctly identify “a lack of spiritual nourishment” in the home as the fourth reason for the “whatever” attitude towards the things of God among American teenagers.
“If we want our children to be spiritually strong, they will need their three spiritual meals. They will need to pray and ‘eat’ God’s word (1) alone as an individual, (2) together with the family, and (3) with the church” (p. 45-6).
Essential Meal #1: Personal Prayer and Scripture Time
How can parents help their children with the first spiritual meal of setting aside time alone to pray and contemplate God’s word? The authors counsel parents with these words:
“First, we can ask the Lord to help us set a good example for them. Ask God to help you grow as a man or woman of prayer. Ask Him to give you a greater personal hunger for His Word….
Second, we can give our children space in their schedule to spend time with God….We can help our children set aside time to prayer and read the Bible…What they do with that time is up to them. We can’t force our children to pray. Even if we could, it is a bad idea. We can’t force them to read the Bible with an open heart. But we can try to model this for them, give them time and space, and warmly encourage them to draw near to God This is especially true for a teenager who is intensely apathetic about spiritual things.” (p. 47)
Essential Meal #2: Family Worship at Home
“No matter what family worship has looked like in your household up to today, it is never too late to start— or restart. Years ago, we encouraged a group of adults in our church with this biblical vision for family worship. A mature godly man came to me after the class and said he would try to have a time of prayer and Bible reading that evening with his wife and two teenage daughters. He was feeling awkward and insecure about it so we took some time to pray together before leaving church. It turned out to be a great time for their family. They talked. They prayed. They read the Bible. At the end of their devotion time his 15-year old daughter said, “Dad, why did you wait so long to do this?” It is never too late.” (p. 50)
Essential Meal #3: Worship at Church
The practice of the church for the first 1900 years was parents and children worshiping together. In the 20th century, especially beginning in the 1970s, children became increasingly separated from their parents at church. As I’ve said before, “Parents, Stop Sunday Schooling Your Kids Out of Church”.
The Rienows concur: “Sadly, we have almost two generations in our country that were raised on little more than spiritual vitamins. Parents made it a top priority to be sure their children were in Sunday School, youth group, and even Christian schools. While these vitamins can provide a boost, they will never replace the meals of personal prayer and Scripture, family worship, and your church’s corporate worship service [“the essential meals” instead of “the vitamins" of sunday school and youth group]. For some families a great way to help their kids get both their meals and vitamins is by making church on Sunday morning a two-hour experience. They worship together as a family for one hour, and the second hour they get their ‘vitamin boost’ in Christian education, youth groups, or adult classes.” (p. 57)
This is a simple book. (I’ve quoted the most important pieces of the book above, so this post is not a hearty endorsement to buy the book.) Yet the problem of spiritual apathy among teens is profound and pervasive. The overarching theme of the book might be put like this: Parents, enter the battle. Don’t ignore the apathy. Be the kind of parents that prays, reads your Bible, and models the kind of spirituality you want to see in your own teenager. Be diligent in providing the three essential meals that every teenage heart and soul needs. It’s never to late to enter the battle for the soul of your child.